Chris, you are right. After 30 years in the industry I should probably tuck my tail between my legs and exit now. Don't worry I have dealt with a-holes my whole life and you seem to be a rank amateur at it.
Firstly I am playing smaller clubs and not venues, so when I run my wireless midi controller or my bass player who runs sound goes out into the crowd we listen and get a feel for the mix.When I play larger venues we do employ a sound guy, but typically for a bar you are right the club owners won't pay for a sound and light team. I never said anything about using the foldbacks or the headphones to determine the mix. We actually lug our own sound system and are constatly told that both our system and our sound are by far better than most of the bands that play in my area. That being said, I believe my question pertained to lighting. Thank you for your advice on mydmx, but as I said before ( maybe you don't read so good). I am looking at hardware not software based applications.
Thank you for your wisdom and sage words.